The Wizard
by blakebs
Summary: Daffy Duck stars as the mighty wizard of Third Earth and Three Quarters, with Porky Pig as his squire. When Porky returns from a secret mission, he enlists the help of his old mentor to search for The Puree Force, a source of energy that has existed since the beginning of time, that would grant who ever possesses it infinite power. Contains anime/sci-fi/fantasy references.
1. Chapter 1

Introduction

"The world of Third Earth and Three Quarters, a desolate, mudball of a planet situated on the left-hand side of the Milky Way galaxy."

"Right next door to Pacland, which is in turn next to Final Fantasy world, across the street from Cardcaptors land, a skip and trip away from Middle Earth, next to Candyland, five paces from Eternia, criss crossing through the Fifth Dimension, a u-turn past the Twilight Zone, next to the Land of Milk and Honey, five miles southwest from The Gates of Time, on the border of Narnia, situated in-between Cybertron and Thunderra, near the westside of the Moon Kingdom, off of exit 42 on the Intergalactic Highway, and drive five miles past the Tau Ceti Star System, take a right at the Negaverse, go three blocks past Vulcan, fight your way through Wonderland, sideswipe past the land of Terabithia, turn left in the Galaxy Far Far Away, take a short-cut through Whoville, past Convictland, past the dumpster, and that's us.

My name is Dafficus Dillicus, a.k.a. The Wizard, but my friends call me Daffy, rhymes with Taffy, which in turn rhymes with Laffy. As you may of figured out by now, I'm an all-powerful wizard, who defends the world of Third Earth and Three Quarters from those who would upset the natural balance of nature, and I look good while doing it.

I was trained by Master Atari, the most powerful wizard who ever lived, his was a personality best described as Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra all wrapped up in one.

Then there's my squire, Porkus Pigglus, aka Porky, who's a decent sidekick, I can't complain.

Now for my rogues gallery; first off there's King Dynamite, ruler of the Dynaverse, he's an all-around nasty husk of a creature who smells of anchovy paste and skunks, who seems to hate my guts for some reason, could be because I stole his dime in the third grade, or maybe because I stole his girlfriend in high school, or maybe just maybe its because he's jealous of my good looks, goodness knows its not my fault I'm a hunk of masculinity.

Then there's Dynamite's generals, elite guards, monsters of the week and his hoardes of fire breathing dragons, but they're not important in this story.

Keep in mind, our planet _does_ have its own Sailor Scout, but she's kinda lazy and doesn't really do anything except watch soap operas and reruns of the Rat Patrol.

Well, that just about does it with introductions, now on to action, on to adventure, on to romance, intrigue, pathos, mathematics, calculus and excitement, I am the Wizard.


	2. Chapter 2: Hocus Pocus

Chapter 1: Hocus Pocus

"Whats a duck gotta do to get a decent meal around here?" Daffy yelled from his table at the Regal Eagle. Dressed in a form fitting white robe, his head was adorned with a white headpiece, encrusted in the center of the piece was a red diamond. A long white cape ran down the length of the foul's backside.

"Eh, what ees zee problem, senior Daffy?" asked Mario, the proprietor of the restaurant.

"The problem is this bread is hard as a rock, my spaghetti's cold, the waiter gave me Diet Mead instead of Pepsi, and I can't see the TV."

"Oh, I'ma sorry senior, Daffy... Wait, you are a wizard, no?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am... It says so right here on my ID card!" said Daffy as he pulled out a laminated ID.

"Handsome fella, ain't he?" asked Daffy as he held the card in Mario's face, Mario subtly swipes it away.

"But if you are a wizard, couldn't you just use your mighty scepter and conjure up a viewing vortex? Or whatever zay call those things?" asked Mario.

"Uh..." Daffy began.

"That's not the point!" Daffy shouted out, suddenly.

"Then what ees zee point, senior Daffy?" asked Mario.

"The point is I can't eat this slop, Mario!" replied Daffy in a loud tone.

"But that eez how we have prepared zee spaghetti in my family for generations, ever since my ancestor Sophia Petrillo came to America from Sicily."

"But I thought you came from Third Earth and Three Quarters?" said Daffy

"Well, it ees a funny story really... Involving aliens, pharaohs, kittens, mad scientists, fireflies, and Sailor Saturn."

"Sailor Saturn... Sailor Saturn... wasn't she the one who blew up the science lab with her glaive at our high school reunion?" asked Daffy.

"Zee very same."

"The same Sailor Saturn who once split open the universe because she was in a bad mood?" asked Daffy.

"Yep."

"Huh, go figure..."

"What were we talking about again, Mario?" asked Daffy.

"Oh, you were just telling me how superb your meal was, and you were about to give me ten dollars as a teep."

"Oh, yeah..."

"There you go, Mario... Keep the change." replied Daffy.

"Thank you, senior Daffy."

Daffy sighs.

"Man, it sure has been quiet around here lately, quiet and boring... Like taxes and politics." Daffy said to himself.

"Why, back in the day Porky and me used to go on grand adventures, journeys through the unknown and perilous wastelands, braving the ferocious Targons, fighting Klingons, going back in time to save Doc, sealing the Cloud Beasties into cards, and just being an all-around awesome guy."

He sighs again.

"But now he's gone, and I'm reduced to doing cheap parlor tricks at birthday parties to make ends meat. "

"I wonder if Gandalf ever had these kinds of problems?"

Meanwhile, at the villain's evil lair of evilness...

A man with a mustache sat in his throne eavesdropping on Daffy through a crystal ball, he wore a mostly red/purple robe. His chest hairs could be seen through a halfway unbuttoned shirt, he was an all-around nasty husk of a creature that smelled of anchovy paste and skunks, who had a haircut reminiscent of Doc Brown. He was King Dynamite, ruler of the Dynaverse.

"Well, well, well... How the mighty have fallen."

"Its a good thing I decided to go ahead and put my plan in motion. With the Wizard distracted by his less then stellar paycheck, and brooding over his past adventures, my armies are gathering in the wastelands in search of the Puree Force, a source of unlimited power we need in order to revive our illustrious leader, known simply as "Leader" because the writers haven't thought of a name yet."

"Um, who are you talking to your majesty?" asked Marvin, Dynamite's right-hand flunky.

"Um... No one, absolutely no one..."

"Are you sure? Because it looked like you were talking to someone."

"I was um, talking to mum... yeah, thats it... dear old mommykins!"

"But your mother sold you to gypsies when you were young..."

"I was... On the phone with the IRS? Yes, it was the IRS, Marvin..."

"Okay..."

"Now, what did you want Marvin?"

"I thought you maybe happy to note that our armies are searching the old forest as we speak, they haven't found anything yet, but with any luck they will soon enough."

"Thats it?"

"Yes, your majesty."

"Very well. Leave me Marvin, I have a headache."

"As you wish, sire."

"That general of yours is a no-good leech." Said the Funnyman, a creature dressed in a purple robe that shrouded his face. He appeared to be hovering in place above the floor, he also had a crystal ball.

"Come now, Funnyman... he's not _that_ bad."

"If you say so, your majesty..."

"So, what do you think the odds are of my armies finding the Puree Force?"

"Honestly?" asked Funnyman.

"Honestly." replied Dynamite.

"Well, considering those grunts of yours are dumber than a sack of rocks, I'd had to give a big resounding no or never on that one."

"Quite alright old chap, Rome wasn't built in a day after all. You be must patient with these kinds of things."

"Did... Did you just call me "old chap"? Asked Funnyman.

"Pardon me, "young chap". Replied Dynamite.

"Thank you." said Funnyman "The fool still doesn't suspect that I am, in fact, the Comedian Phantom, and have been manipulating him and his underlings this whole time, so that I may possess the Puree Force for myself and rule the galaxy!"

"Um..." Began Dynamite "I can hear everything your saying."

"Oh... That is, what I meant to say is... Curses, foiled again by that foul!"

"But the Wizard hasn't done anything yet."

"Um, yeah... but he will!"

"How do you know that?"

"Well, he might do something."

"Oh, ok."

Meanwhile, back at the Regal Eagle.

Daffy continued his brooding, while Mario manned the front desk of the Eagle, greeting the customers as well as ushering them inside and to they're table, until someone entering the restaurant caught his eye, none other than Daffy's former sidekick/squire Porky.

"Ah, senior Porky... It has been too long!"

"H-H-H-H-Hello, Ma-mu-mu-ma-Mario!" Porky replied in his usual stutter, shaking Mario's hand.

"I take it you are here to see your former employer, no?"

"Why, ye-ye-ye-yes, as a matter of f-f-f-f, aw drat it all, yes!"

"He's at his usual table over in the Brooding Area/non-smoking area..."

"W-W-W-why do you c-c-c-c, refer to it as the Brooding Area, Mario? Because of my former employer's severe d-d-d-d-depression?"

"No, because the fluorescent lights blew out a few months ago and I forgot to replace them."

"Well, I guess I'll g-g-g-go t-t-ta-ta-, socialize with my former boss... It was nice seeing you again, Mario!"

"You too senior Porky, you too!"

Back at his table, Daffy lifts his head up after a few minutes of having his face buried into the tablecloth, and notices his old pal walking towards him.

"Well, if it ain't the Porkster come to rain on my parade!"

"H-H-H-Hello sir, its been a long time..."

"Please, enough with the professionalism, just call me Daffy; The only people that call me sir anymore are insurance salesmen, and I tend to show them the door, if you catch my drift."

"Oh, al-al-al-al, okie dokie.

"Now if you were say, selling a free subscription to TV Guide, we'd talk. Heck, I'd even settle for Crunch Bunch Weekly, maybe even Better Homes and Garden, I'd even be inclined to read an issue of Third Earth Quarterly, despite the fact the editor, Jameson Toadstool hates my guts."

_Cue cutaway gag_

"He's a menace! The Wizard is a menace to our society, he outta be hunted down and thrown in the slammer without even the slightest chance of parole! I don't trust anyone who wears a robe, do you? And while he's in jail he should be forced to watch Batman & Robin until the cows come home!"

_End gag _

"What can I say, Toadstool is proof that jealously exists, jealously over my good looks that is!"

"What was it you were saying, again?" Daffy asked.

"Um, w-w-w-w-well, I hadn't really s-s-s-s-said anything before you went on a t-t-t-t-tangent on Jamesoon To-Da-Du-Dat-Dut-Date, oh drat it Jameson!"

"Oh, yeah! A subscription to Cheez Magazine would be pretty good, or perhaps even When Crazed Grawling Sharks Attack, even Lives of the Rich and Not-So-Famous would suffice." Daffy said as he continued his magazine rant.

"I've always been privy to Tau Nebula Monthly, did you know that Saturn was once home to mole people?

"Um, sir?"

"Of course, all things considered I've always wanted to visit France, see the Eiffel Tower and whatnot..."

"Sir?"

"I always thought I'd make a good space captain in the far future..."

"Sir?"

"Darn, would you look at that... I got cabbage stuck in my teeth!" Daffy said as he grabbed a toothpick and began to pick at the piece of cabbage.

"Sir!"

"What?" Daffy asked.

"Your b-b-b-b mind was starting to wonder." Porky replied.

"Oh, it was? Thanks for telling me."

"Say, I thought you were on some sort of top secret mission in the wastelands? What are you doing back here?" Daffy asked.

"W-w-w-w-well lets just say the mission was a resounding success." replied Porky.

"What's does that mean, exactly?" Daffy asked.

"Oh, w-w-w-w-who am I k-k-k-k joking... we got attacked by a monster."

"A monster you say? Did it have beady little eyes and three heads too?" Daffy joked.

"You deal with fantastical creatures all the time, why bother asking?"

"Oh, yeah! A sorta forgot there for a minute."

"So... What happened to the people that went with you on this so-called "mission"?

"They were e-e-e-e-eaten, sir."

"Just out of curiosity, what exactly was this mission all about?"

"Well, for a while now there's been talk of something called The Puree Force."

"What's The Puree Force? Sounds like a bad name for a brand of oatmeal, and trust me nothing could possibly make oatmeal any worse."

"The P-P-P-P-Puree Force is said to be an energy source that has been around since the beginning of time, and who ever shall possess it would acquire infinite power."

"We have reason to b-b-b-b-to think that your old enemy, King Dynamite is searching for the Puree Force to further his evil agenda, and I believe that Dynamite is the one who sent that monster to attack my troop."

"Dynamite! I should of known! He's been after me ever since I stole his dime in the third grade!"

"I t-t-t-t-thought you stole his g-g-g-g-girlfriend in high school?"

"That too!"

"So, can I c-c-c-c-count on you then, sir? Will you take up the mantle of protector of Third Earth and Three Quarters once again?"

"It depends, will you buy me a big screen TV?"

"D-D-D-D-Don't push it, sir."

"Ah, what the hey! You got yourself a wizard! Put her there, pal!" Daffy said as he held out his hand, Porky promptly took it in a handshake.

"G-g-g-g-great, I have a carriage waiting for us outside."

"Carriage? If we're going on an adventure and mystical quest for all time, we need to ride in style... We'll take my dragon."

"I thought your dragon was repossessed?"

"Well, lets say through some rather shady dealings I managed to get her back." Porky simply rolls his eyes.

"Now then, lets blow this taco stand!" He said as he raised his scepter to the air.

"Hocus pocus, change of focus!" Daffy said, and with that he and Porky vanished in a blinding light.

End of Chapter 1


End file.
